It's cold, and I'm tired and lazy and don't want to go out today for any reason whatsoever. So here I am again, blogging. I miss the feeling of just typing for the sake of being able to read it later, to get the feeling out there so it's not in my head anymore.
I hate not being able to trust people. Without trust, there is no love, right? Even if I've been reassured that things have changed or that it won't happen again, I can't help but fish out past mistakes and apply them to the present. I want to believe that people can change, and the whole world isn't a lying sack of shit. I really want to believe that, but I just can't. I don't know if that stems from being lied to and not trusting those people, or from me lying to everyone else and not being able to trust myself. The liar thinks everyone else is lying, too. The fact that I've lied so much to people before makes me feel like I can't believe half the things I tell myself, like I don't even know me. The fact that I've told people that I promised that I would change, knowing that after a week or so, I'd revert to my old ways, kills me.
That feeling, that you don't know yourself or that you can't trust yourself, it cuts into you deep. It's that sense that when you're talking, you wonder "Is that how I really feel, or is that what I think I'm feeling? Am I just saying this to make the other person happy?" I hate that feeling, wondering if I'm doing things because that's what I really want to do, or it's just what I think everyone else wants me to do it, or the sense that I'm slowly changing who I am for other people subconsciously. The idea that after all this time, I still don't know myself, it hurts.
I want to feel like the idea of spending time with other people and having that slowly change and mold me is a good thing. I want to feel as if those changes are helping me become a better, more productive member of society. I want to feel like not only am I doing the right thing, but it's because I want to do the right thing.
I feel like my thoughts are really shallow right now. I can't focus at all.
I hate this, being so unsure of myself.
